Broken Britain? Broken Nokia. Useless Vodafone.

News from the front-line of customer service. Regular readers will know I have little time for rubbish customer service from the much vaunted and over-hyped private sector. Typically, this manifests itself via mobile 'phone providers. Todays' story is high quality.


I have a Nokia E72.Nokia? You know, the company that was worth £200bn in 2001 and is  now worth south of £15bn and falling. Read this and you won't be surprised why the fall in value. 


Last Friday, 19/8, my handset, the 2nd of the last 6 months, failed again. Cue contact with Vodafone. Excellent response, new E72 handset arrives next day. They had though refused to provide another, different make, at least until I "upgrade", i.e. pay more and commit to a longer contract. Never mind, reload all data onto the handset and away we go. 


Wednesday of this week, the white-screen of death returns to the new handset and the phone fails. Cue call to Vodafone, who replace within 24 hours, but refuse to supply another make. Frustrated but in dire need to keep connected, I accept a second new handset and re-provision the handset again, re-load all data and off we go. 


Today, only 24 hours later, that handset, i.e. the third of the week, fails. Cue call to Vodafone who this time blame Nokia outright, refuse to provide anything other than another E72. I say, no thanks, and then the 'dance of the blind' takes place. The operative calls the "upgrades" department - but I don't want an upgrade say I - but they refuse to provide a different make. He suggests a "downgrade", yes, there is such a thing, but, the "upgrades" department refuses me a "downgrade". They will though credit me with £20 to spend in their shop to get a pay-as-you-go, but not email capability and that would deny me a replacement3G handset. All one-way. No notion of fairness, proper service, a decent response. Nothing. Just a dumb offer, an insult and a classic flip-off.


Getting the picture? I can't upgrade, even though I don't want to. I can't downgrade, even though I don't want to. I can't get similar, only identical. Is this starting to sound a bit like Kafka's The Trial? I think so. The operative tries the other department one last time, but in absolutely classic style "the computer say no". Yes, he really did say those words, the computer does not allow him to provide anything other than an identical replacement. And this time it will take 5 days to get it to me because, of course, it's the Bank Holiday!


He wouldn't even provide me with my PUK numbers so I could remove my business and go elsewhere. I have to "put that in writing" via their website, which when I tried was experiencing technical problems. Classic obfuscation - "put it in writing" - the old 1970's answer to everything.


What do I draw from this?

1. The decline and fall of customer service from Vodafone. A once quite efficient and helpful company.
2. The almost complete collapse of any 'empowerment' of a front-line employee, who must get sick and tired of fronting a faceless, bureaucratic and unhelpful back-office.
3. The shadowy 'upgrade department', who actually call the shots but you never to get to speak with them (I did ask several times to speak direct but the operative isn't allowed to do that)
4. The moronic parroting of 'customer service' language that is actually the complete antithesis of customer service.
5. The realisation, time and again, that call-centres simply do not work because they reduce all individuals, i.e. you and me, to a default stance; that of a fit-the-company template, or you don't fit at all.
6. The powerlessness that this induces. There is no-one to complain to, no resolution, no simple way to take your business elsewhere.
7. The comfort that the public sector will invariably out perform the hopeless service that companies like Vodafone and Nokia now provide.
8. The sense that those twin imposters, profit and growth, have so infected companies that they have almost completely lost touch with the reality customers have of using their defective products and trying to navigate their labrynthine and unhelpful so-called customer services.

 I know within these organisations there will be people who go to work to try and do a good job, to help others, but they are being massively let down by 'managers,' whose main interests are short-term targets and bonuses. Exactly the focus that led to the banking crisis and financial meltdown of 2007-09. 


When will they learn?